gian can’t dance,

The road is long ; as far as Samuel knows,
lines and lines of leaf and branch
before the sunset. Look at the sunset,
look at where everything goes gone.

The road is winding ; and this is where Samuel turns
into every other person’s names, into what we think
is a forest. The fact of the road disagrees –
the sunset still persistent, we can turn our backs on it.
Sometimes, we are allowed to think
we’re a lot bigger than we are.

The road continues into the night; invisible
and unnecessary. There is no need for characters
we can’t see. In the darkness, everyone
is a giant, and their backs are turned from us.

The road murdered the footprint; kilograms
of cement, distinctly us, as if we had a deed
for a graveyard of intersecting souls.
The road is, after all, a road.

because we have to state the purpose
of enterprise — things that must be followed,
and the things that follow us:

a brick falls from a building we can only describe
as corporate — it falls on a bed of pavement
like a person falling into a bed of people
in the rush hour subway:

a man’s tie finds itself caught in between
sliding doors. a man outside the train, running,
otherwise suffocating. bystanders choose
to stand by, as if everybody suffocates:

in the morning in front of the mirror,
a man remembers that there used to be
a proper way of tying a noose.

The Porn Industry (Pass 1: Introduction and Market Study)

An industry report on pornography

Introduction

It is a strange feeling that one day, people will forget what it felt like to pop a porno CD onto a disc tray and masturbate with a remote control in the weak hand to fast forward through the penis close-ups. At the same time, it is hard to deny that the porn industry is evolving. Penises, after all, die a lot earlier than their owners – and masturbation too. This is due to the widespread effects of limp dicks and arthritis on the elderly. Thus, like customers in Jollibee, the turnover rate in pornography is quick.

However, Americans spend an estimated $10 billion on online porn every year, so the industry is actually growing despite the comings and goings and comings again of its biologically loyal patrons. The 13 year-olds who discover the joy of solitary self-gratification today will inevitably penetrate the market one year after, when they are 14.

Market Study

Competitors

The main competitors of pornography, in general, are religion and close-mindedness. While we certainly live in technologically advanced times, and while man has succeeded in significantly decreasing the amount of unwanted pregnancies through the wonder of condoms, porn profits are hit hard by uptight religious groups that try to paralyze the marketing capabilities of porno firms.

There is a lot of room for growth in this aspect. In Japan, for example, there are ads for new porn videos available on DVD on the giant television screens in the streets of downtown Osaka. The capability to advertise, alone, allows for a larger profit margin for the larger companies such as S1 and Soft Demand.

Companies in the industry should strive to convince Church Leaders (today’s version of tribe elders) that sex is good. Thus, a strategic investment on the hooking industry to send the gift of getting laid to these deprived men may be good for the longevity and growth of porn companies.

Market Trends

People are going more for home-made pornography because it seems “real.” There seems to be less and less interest among younger audiences in “produced porn.” However, there are some things that concern consumers with the home-made porn available these days, such as the single camera angle as well as the bad lighting.

Recently, amateur porn producer Hayden Kho has been criticized for the awful lighting as well as the terrible camera angles in his recent releases. Kho states that the videos were leaked and were not able to undergo post-production.

Nonetheless, it is highly possible that larger porn companies will try to come up with more “real” productions in order to satisfy the current wants of the market. This can only be classified as a dream for porn watchers everywhere. Home-made porn with camera angles and better lighting, fans say, is “stuff that you could only wish for.” There are some issues that may arise for porn companies, however, especially since home-made videos are shot in black and white. The visibility of semen is one such issue. Some fear that the novelty of the moneyshot may turn extinct within the next few decades.

End of Part I: Look out for Part II.

japan

it begins with an interview. how old are you? when was your first time? do you date gaijin? what are your hobbies? this carnival is very nice, do you like the carnival? where do you shop for clothes? what kind of panties do you wear? will you suck my cock?

then comes, no, not the cocksucking yet, but the stripping.  how do i know this? because i don’t fast forward through the boring parts like everybody else.  the man rubs the woman’s clitoris through the panties for nearly 10 minutes and already i can hear the critics shouting “this is unrealistic!” and walking out, or fast forwarding. now pause, choose your own adventure: a. are you watching a 4GB DVD file or b. are you watching a 700MB .avi file?

a. there is no fucking yet. there is a tease scene where the leading actress pours lotion all over herself and rubs her censored vagina on the man’s thighs. this is the scene that causes more powerful orgasms for the masturbator. this is the scene that destroys monitors and keyboards. this is the scene that turns cats blind.

THEN (b.) they fuck. it begins with girl on top or missionary. missionary is more common. the girl wails — the glass of milk beside your keyboard cracks from the pitch. they change positions to doggy style and there is a close up shot of the penis going in and out of the vagina like a hiding eel. they go back to missionary, cumshot on the boobs or the face.

c. the scene involves two or three guys now. the last scene is always a gang bang. it is more or less more of the same, except there are costumes that come off ten minutes into the thing. there are three hiding eels now, and only one hiding place. the nakadashi train is when three guys line up and fuck the actress one by one. they come as fast as they can inside her pussy, like a choo-choo train that looks like a penis, one after another. the DVD or .avi ends with a close up of semen residue.

you are tired.

here comes the rest of the day.

semen residue.

before anything: there is no need to understand;
listen — footsteps are echoing in an empty city,
filled with people who will never admit
that they can smell the tides in the bay,
crashing into the esplanade.

there is no need to understand;
because everything is a sandcastle.
and letters, in the same way, are borrowed –
from seagulls dancing on the tip of some arbitrary sunset.
that is where we will find them in the end. look,
here is my translation: there is no need to explain.

the rickshaw carrier who’s seen no other day or night
runs around the city for his children.
the camel tour guide, who leads tourists to adventures,
knows exactly where he is in every desert.
the souvenir vendor announces his  never changing pitches
his ever changing prices before dust settles –
a rickshaw speeds past. dust turns into clouds;
clouds upon clouds of clay-coloured sand,
settling and drifting, settling and drfting, repeating
chapters of some journey in some dusty old book:
the souvenir vendor who proposed to his wife
in front of the taj mahal.
the camel tour guide who named his child after the sun.
the rickshaw carrier who runs in circles
in a romantic place like india.

So I’m turning 24 soon and I figure: “That’s not too old! That’s promising,” and I think, when my mother was 24 she was thinking about marriage — making the decision that would end up becoming me. I appreciate the sentiment, I can say that straight out, but I can’t quite put my finger on what that sentiment is. It can’t possibly be love, at least, not yet at the time. At 25 she was carrying me.

I remember a friend of mine who is 27 (sorry!), and I think: “Where do the fun times go?”

An open question: Does anybody here remember his/her mother ecstatic? Do they continuously hide their joys from us because, after birth, they become mothers full-time and stop being people?

I don’t know what it was. Making the decision to have a baby at 24, that’s something. I’ve seen crazier things, yes, but that’s something. I think of my father at the time and he was 38 when they got married, probably 37 when they were dating. I wonder how it feels to take all of a promising person’s promise and breaking it?

Speaking of promises, I made a promise when I was four years old and my mother was on the telephone, crying. While she probably remembers this promise, she probably thinks that I don’t, but I do. I promised her that I would never make her cry. Either that, or I would always be with her. Sure, I allowed myself to be loose with the promise. I couldn’t be with her all the time, not in high school, no.

But she was 29 when I made the promise, I remember. I’ve forgotten which house that was in. We moved around a lot, but I do remember the room, the table, the telephone, the bathroom — crying in the bathroom. That’s when my mother became iconic, like, I can’t find a word for it. Sometimes, in the silly world of my brain I think that she will always be 29 and I will always be 4.

We moved around a lot because of broken things; family, for one — teeth, maybe, she is a dentist, after all. Looking at how I turned out without a father (most of the time, on weekdays), that was a good job patching up a few important cavities.

Going back, though, 24. This is it. This is when I start changing — the way my mother changed. Like, I know what’s gonna happen, or I’m expecting. What exactly? Something that comes along, ruins everything, then something sprouts out that promises happiness, or less sadness, at least.

It’s vicarious from there, from what I’ve seen. I’ve thought that maybe after 24, we’re not allowed to be happy for ourselves anymore. I’ll spoonfeed, forgive me: We’re only allowed to be happy for our children, and that’s great.

Humans were born selfish, and it’s hard to get over that selfishness — that’s what mother did wrong. Sometimes I like asking her to be more selfish, she’s been taking one for the team ever since. It makes me feel less guilty about thinking less of her happiness.

I was in grade school when I first learned this; when I would ruin her day with a 6/10 quiz. How old was she then? 29, probably,  it’s the easy answer, careless again. When I would get a 10/10 I’d receive a prize; a 6/10 merits verbal whiplashing. That was my happiness/sadness. Her happiness was buying me the prizes.

Before you ask, you’re right. These are all fragments. Just an “essay,” broken into pieces like memories of the (there being a) family. Believe me, I wasn’t this miserable, at least not until now.

Is it that hard? Being 24? Being 29? Is that when you write your dreams down on a piece of parchment, sign the dotted line and classify them as inheritance? From everything I’ve read and from everything I’ve heard? No. It’s not supposed to be.

So then why? Rather, how did mother make that decision so early in life?

And I begin to think, I made promises (that I still remember) when I was 4.

And I begin to think, it could have been love.

before we discovered
gravity,
we had
only perfection
in shapes: drawings
published in parchment –
only perfection
and the death of penmanship.
all our hands looked alike.

we also discovered the secret
of horizons:
that they do not end. at least,
that is what we think.
we are still afraid
of falling from imaginary cliffs
into those infinite spaces –
specks in a perfect universe

and into an illusion, yes.
the illusion that we look in straight lines
into the vastness. here is a straight line:
beyond the horizon is not the edge
or the backs of our own heads,
but the winding curve of what is –
claiming that whatever it is,
we already know.

i won’t fail your test because i’m not studying. i’ll fail it because i refuse to pass a test that measures the amount of useless work one can do. oh, wait, you actually think that your tests measure a student’s knowledge and personal competence? let me enumerate the reasons why not:

1. enumeration.
2. this is the same test that deprived “audio visual production” students the chance to synthesize what they learned. you cancelled a live tv show production so that you could conduct a useless test. i understand though, the test, after all, is much easier to schedule and grade, especially if it’s (refer to number one)
3. after i voiced my concerns about your exam potentially being just “memorization,” you answered with “no, it’s going to be practical, with writing exercises and floor plans.” then you went on to say that it’s going to be 50% identification and enumeration. why do you still want to measure our personal competence then? you obviously think we’re all idiots.

*breathe*

okay, those were the reasons why i think your decision to give a non-negotiable exam is absolute bullshit. now here are some reasons why i don’t like you:

1. you threatened to fail 66.7% of the class despite the As, B+s and Bs we received for the three major projects. you reasoned that none of us were participating in class and that you would fail our “participation” grades without an exam. wait, what?!
2. you feel like you have the right to give us grades on powerpoint presentations when you don’t know how to give a presentation yourself. at least none of the students’ presentations put me to sleep.
3. you’re a brat. you can probably tell all your friends how lazy your students are, but in the end, you cut more times than any of your students, how’s that for lazy? you also chose enumeration because it’s the easiest type of test to check. come on, cheech, we’re not that stupid.
4. you believe in creativity. let’s look back at the semester! our topic for our powerpoint presentation? swine flu. our topic for our music video? cory aquino/how fun it is to be catholic. our topic for our news report? food fair. yeah, very creative, cheech.

so to anyone reading, just one message: don’t take audio visual production with cheech. i can say with confidence that she is the laziest and most boring comm teacher in the loyola schools. and don’t believe the students who will undoubtedly tell you that “she’s nice!” because she’s nice only when it’s convenient to be nice.

i actually have a theory on why cheech insists so much on giving a test: it’s the only way she can keep her students awake.

so in conclusion, fuck you, cheech.

regards,

gian